4 does certainly not go into 3

My mouth has always gotten me into trouble. Back chatting matrics in Std 6, sniggering at the big fat Dutchmen’s purple LA Gear’s in the Wheel shopping centre, laughing at the ridiculously short lady from down the road coz she sat on a cushion to drive. But they only ever ended in a black eye, a bloody lip or a severe hiding. When you suddenly start posting things online you discover the anonymity you thought you had isn’t so anonymous. Here’s the story.

Few weekends back we had an all you can eat buffet of sport to watch. Now not having a Sports Cafe or a Walkabout with multiple televisions makes sport gluttony a little more tricky. So the horny Malawian and I head to Mitchells at the Waterfront coz rumour has it they can show not one not two but three channels simultaneously. Here’s what we had.
London 7’s, IPL final, and a couple of meaningless football games.

It turns out a bunch of ex pats or misguided South Africans have set up little mini football supporters clubs at Mitchells. Now you have 4 different sports events and only 3 channels, something has to give. This would have been my order of priority. Correct me if I’m wrong.
1) London Rugby 7’s – Bokke are playing. Nuff said.
2) IPL Final – most prestige, SA has honour of hosting it and an Indian couple has just sat down, bought drinks and are eagerly awaiting the match.
3) Newcastle vs West Brom – Newcastle could have and eventually were relegated (air punch)
4) Chelsea vs Sunderland – completely meaningless. Chelsea could not win the premiershop and hopefully never will again. Sunderland could not be relegated.

So what gets bumped. You will not belive me if I told you. The flippin IPL final. I kid you not. Poor Indian couple were incensed but when faced with mindless and suspiciously inbred Chelsea fans their despair fell on frighteningly uneven, deaf ears. I would have spoken up but I could see that the London 7’s was enjoying a very fragile place on the TV in front of me and would have been sacrificed instead.

This is where it gets interesting. I’m still seething at work the next day and submit a post to Hello Peter, calling the Mitchells management out on the issue. Challenging their ridiculous prioritistion of sports events. Knowing full well I will never here anything and that they clearly will do anything to keep their regulars happy. However, in my rant I may have called all football fans yobbos. Which is kinda stupid seeing that I consider myself a football fan.

Weeks go by and I had completely forgotten about the post. Today I get a facebook message from the official SA Reds supporters club asking me nicely not to refer to football fans as yobbos. Can I just say to the very polite gentleman, as a United fan myself, the yobbos comment was directed solely at the Chelsea fans. There was no request to watch the United game against Hull on that weekend as, unlike Chelsea, United had already won the premiership.

To conclude, am i completely off base here? We are in South Africa, regardless of who visits that pub, it is a South African pub and must surely align its priorities accordingly. I don’t care if they call themselves a Scottish Ale House, my opinion is they did themselves a complete disservice that day.

And while I am ranting (again), the V&A Waterfront have now removed the last 2 areas of free parking. Such greed.

Stranger than Fiction

Don’t know if its the entire bottle of R25.99 Robertson Ruby Cabernet or guilty feelings about ignoring this blog but it must be updated. Actually it’s the fact that Stranger than Fiction is on TV and writing this is kinda like narrating one’s life. Speaking of which, if I had to choose a narrator for my life it would not be Emma Thompson. More likely, Richard Attenborough, and I would constantly be trying to mate something. And Maggie Gyllenhaal would have already been mated 8 minutes and 14 seconds into the movie.

So what’s worth writing about, reporting on. Work? It goes on, opened my big mouth at a meeting and actually got listened to, and now involved in my first marketing campaign. I have a new desk, by the window, get to look at my mountain all day, although the armageddon like storm that rode in on its horse today was particularly obscuring. Home? Flat is still empty, fridge is emptier, and the drain still smells of sewerage when the neighbour flushes. Friends? They’re cool, still all coupled up, dogs and kids, but awesome. Love life? It’s complicated. Which according to Facebook is in between single and in a relationship, so we’ll take that as progress. wait wait Maggie is about to get mated…..

Ok thats over.

So if I am the protagonist in my own life I want to say a few things to my narrator.

Please stop mentioning the salt and pepper temples, the squidgy midriff, the inappropriate comments made in moments of extreme awkwardness. I would really appreciate it if I could have rugged features, chisseled abs and a startling sense of humour. I would be eternally grateful if my love interest could have enormous blue eyes, a killer smile, a cute ass and a serious lack of baggage, and be totally and completely in love with me.

Besides that not much else to report. Hope you are well, long summer evenings are a thing of the past for a while, gotta get the scarves and gloves out soon. Sunburnt cocktails to be replaced with fireside glasses of Cab Sav and roast lunches. Went to a medical aid wellness day last week, only to get the thousands of loyalty points on offer. Good news is I’m not diabetic and I’m HIV negative. Bad news is cholestrol is off the chart, I’m a ticking time bomb. Cheese, red meat, alcohol..gotta go. In that case, Narrator?, you might as well write me out of the script now.

Stay well. Chat soon.

Talking to your market

Smokers have had to endure them for years.  Now its the turn of drinkers.  Health warnings.

I remember a story of male smokers specifically choosing the packs that said “Do not smoke if you are breastfeeding” coz they didnt think it could harm them.

So heres what you get as a stand up beer drinker.

 

And heres what you get as a “papsak” or “dooswyn” drinker.

Seriously? Because I happen to buy box wine I’m gonna stagger around Ysterplaat shouting obscenities at motorists. Actually thats exactly what I’m gonna do. Cheers!

Around the peninsula and back again

Outside of Cape Town it probably didnt make front page but to a few thousand idiots in spandex and some irriatated motorists there was the matter of a quick bike ride around the Cape Peninsula and back again on Sunday.  Although for some spectators, 25 798 of the riders were of little interest when soon to be Francois Pienaar doppelganger, Matt Damon, cruised past in all his budgie smuggling glory.

The 2 days leading up to the 2009 Pick and Pay Cape Argus Cycle Tour saw the mercury glide past 35 degrees celcius throwing all concerned into an Energade guzzling frenzy.  But as with Cape Town weather you can get up to go for a wizz in the height of summer and come back in the depths of an arctic blizzard.  It was with a stomach churning dread that I woke up at 2am on Sunday morning to find my curtains horizontal and a force 5 gale blowing outside.  Early morning news reels showed the Foreshore palm trees struggling to remain rooted.

My training had been undone the previous weekend by an inflamed Iliotibial band and so after a week of anti-inflamatories and icepacks I squeezed into my “lekker toit” jersey with the enthusiasm of a death row prisoner digetsing his last meal and started packing the energy bars, carbo drinks and glucose gel packs that would hopefully see me through 110km into 60km/h headwinds.

The 15km from Milnerton to the City Bowl didn’t see any improvement in conditions and when I had to swerve to avoid a Portaloo blowing into the road all hope of a gentle breeze at my back faded.  Some interesting stats for you.

• Of the 36,000 riders entered only 25, 799 finished.
• Wind reports had windspeeds of 40-60km/h at all points of the course with gusts of 140km/h at the top of Chapmans Peak.
• One woman didnt start when the breakfast tent at the start blew down on top of her breaking her collar bone.
• Of the 73 start groups only 2 made it 100m without a crash.
• The winning time of 2 hours 46 minutes was 19 minutes slower than the record of 2 hours 27 minutes.

Other unexpexcted benefits of the day was a free exfoliating body scrub  from the sandstorm buffeting  Simonstown and the idiot in Hout Bay with the hosepipe who thought we needed cooling down.  The combination of a wet jersey and stiff breeze only complicated the nipple issue I was having.

But in the end it turned out to be a thoroughly satisifying day’s outing.  In case there are any doubting Thomases among you I have evidence.  If you have trouble spotting me, I’m the one in the very 2009, ultra hardcore, flesh toned, orthopaedic knee supports.  Oh, and a red and white jersey.

Up the N2, doing a sound breaking 8km/h.

Up Suikerbossie, in the granniest of gears.

Top of Smitswinkel, far right.

Almost at the finish, far right.

The Finish, far right.

And thats that.  Onto the next thing.

A bit of love in your stocking

I know its only January but I think I have found the ultimate Christmas present for all lovers of 70’s adult movies.  I was truly surprised to see Amazon are selling Pornosonic, unreleased 70’s porno music featuring the undisputed heavyweight of  erotic movies Ron Jeremy.

The best bit is the “Customers who bought this item also bought”.  This implies that more than 1 person has bought this album.  Frightening.

There are currently 13 of these available, Condition: Used.  Well what did you expect for $5.26

And if that doesnt give you your fill of twangs and thwacking, give Klaus Harmony a listen.

In with the new

Hello all.  Happy New year.  I trust you had a safe and joyous holiday season.  2009 here we come.

It certainly is a new year.  Since 1 Jan I have moyed into my own flat, started a new job and joined a new gym.   Being the sheep that I am I have followed the Taylor and Robins families to Milnerton.  The fact that my office and gym in Century City are an 8 minute drive away only sweetened the deal.

Living alone is not all its cracked up to be.  Cooking your own meals and washing and ironing your own clothes isn’t cool.  Not at all.   Watching cricket on a deck chair in your lounge is also far from satisfactory.  If anyone is selling a cheap couch let me know.  My credit card has taken a hammering.  I must apologise to the teller at Game Stores for blaspheming and bursting into tears when she rang up my purchases.  Who the hell charges R90 for a plastic drainage rack.  And then seeing them for R20 at the Milnerton flea market only blackened the mood.  It really hasn’t been smooth sailing.  The geyser didnt work, the water pressure in the shower is far from the Niagaran bathtime experience I hoped for, and there is a rather unpleasant smell coming from under the sink every time the neighbour flushes.  But, there is a pool, and having sleepover guests can begin.

New job has started very well.  None of the first day at big school horrors I expected.  They really look after their staff.  I have a pension for the first time in my life, there is free lunch and drinks, free gym, got a brand new PC, a team of all guys (no psycho-chick issues), proper induction, proper training, get to use my own name (don’t ask, long story), smart office overlooking Intaka Island bird sanctuary and as I mentioned its 8 minutes to home…in rush hour.

Its 60 days until the Argus and the longest ride so far is 44km.  In the next 2 months that needs to get a little closer to the 109km that is expected on March 6th.

Saw the funniest thing today.  An online casino created this viral ad explaining what poker hands trump what.  The guys in my office came up with this response.  It was filmed in our offices and most of the actors work here.  An email was sent around warning sensitive staff members that some of the props downstairs may be considered offensive.  Now if that doesnt make you go watch Io don’t know what will.

Grass is moss certainly greener

I’ve read that in order for a blog to be successfull you have to update regularly, think carefully of your post title, the first line etc etc.  I read blogs that are clever commentary on society, others find humour in the media and the ironies of every day life.  Well this one only happens when inspirations hits.  Needless to say inspiration has been as scarce as Unleaded in a Bulawayon garage.

But inspiration has arrived in bucketloads today.

i was up at 6.  Now the last time I saw 6 o clock on a Sunday morning was as I was getting home.  Then to Stellenbosch to ride Die Burger cycle race.  Just the short one though, but nevertheless an uphill challenge.  Cycling through wine farms and looking up at  the spectacular Simonsberg mountain was so worth the early start.  After summiting Hellshoogte and then getting up to 50km/h on the descent it was another 30km of rolling hills in which I realised that knobbly tyres suck batshit off cave walls.  They have to go.  Just over 3 months to go till the Argus.  One step closer but lots of work to be done.

Then this afternoon it was off to The Range in Tokai for Concerts for a Cause.  Sun was hot, beer was cold, Constantiaberg was glorious, girls were stunning and Goldfish were sublime.  After Rocking the Daisies when the entire campsite kept me awake singing that ridiculous saxophone riff I swore I hated them, but listening to Soundtracks and Combacks amidst the vineyards, submerged in the arboretum they were immense.

Anyone abroad reading this rant I honestly hope you can stop living the lie and come back to this fabulous city.  Looking around today I realised that the world can go to hell but our lives here in Cape Town will remain on the boundaries of eutopian bliss.  Whether it be global recession, or Mumbai hotels getting 3 shades of crap shot out of them, when you get 2000 beautiful people dancing to shit hot music amidst breathtaking scenery you cease to understand why any South African could live anywhere else.

Then as we were jumping up an down (on very tired legs) to Prime Circle we suddenly realised we were dancing with Sakile, vocalist on Goldfish’s Just Cruisin (you give a lot of love and you dont know why). He tells us that they will be playing at La Med every Sunday till February.  What a joy. Walk off Clifton, in your baggies and slops and watch the Atlantic Sunset with Lions Head and the 12 Apostles watching over you.

Ok, thats my news for now. Off to put lotion on a very sunburnt face.  Hope you are all well and happy where ever you are.  Cheers!

4 things that made me laugh today

Its an oldie but hell it gets funnier every time.  At number 4 its Fat Starwars Kid.

Never seen it before but apparently its old too.  It also makes a Facebook status I saw a while back make sense.  At number 3 its the Numa Numa Dance.

Ever tried to get any help from I.T. Support? Here’s why they hide in the basement and are no bloody help at all. At number 2 its The website is down!

Ok this one wasn’t as funny as it was just bloody amazing. At number 1 its A Cappella Star Wars.

Enjoy.  Sun is shining in Cape Town, full out action packed weekend to come.

The Worldwide Blogger Bake Off

One of our clients here at Quirk eMarketing is Breadline Africa. We have offered our services to them to build a campaign to raise money for the work they do.  One of their projects is to turn shipping containers into bakeries and teach peopl how to make their own bread.

The Worldwide Blogger Bake Off aims to do 3 things.  Firstly, and most importantly, raise money for Breadine Africa.  Secondly, spread the message using social media networks like blogs. And thirdly, get people to bake bread and talk about baking bread.

Please go have a look at the Bake Off website, I know some guys who have been having sleepless nights getting it ready.  Obviously we would love you to donate if you have some spare cash lying around.  But we also would like you to blog about it.  That won’t cost you anything.

Get involved.

Do it. Do it.

Blogger Action Day

Consider this a Lazarus post.  Hlalaphansi is not dead, just sleeping.  Blame it on a lack of inspiration, not a lot of excitement and sheer laziness.  It is however, blogger action day today so a good day for an update.

I guess the biggest news is the Taylor-Groeger nuptials in Cork Saturday after next.  I  am so bloody excited I may have just wet my pants a little thinking about it.  I love weddings, in all their misty-eyed glory.

Its almost a year since I left London thinking good riddance but to be quite honest I am really looking forward to going back.  Walkabout, snakebite, bad cover band, drunk antipodean girls.  Its a formula for success like no other.

So many friends to see and so little time.  It also happens to be the Cork Jazz festival so its going to be quite a weekend.

Other recent adventures have been a Clanwilliam trip where I was dragged nostrils first behind a boat in frigid water.  Also wound back the years at Rocking the Daisies music festival.  A weekend spent shivering in a tent, traipsing through mud, hovering over stinking portaloos, drinking beer and jumping around to rock ‘n roll music.  You take the good with the bad.

Miraculously I am still employed.  Still on probation which is a bit like purgatory.  All the moving out of home and buying car plans and such good intentions are hovering, waiting for job security that never comes.  Been here 3 months yesterday.  Its a strange old industry this internet marketing.  When you look at figures of people visiting a website month on month there’s no denying that certain tactics can make you more visible online.

Unfortunately you also have a very small but very vocal online community hell-bent on becoming internet celebrities, all professing to be search engine messiahs, all commenting on each other’s blogs, all linking to each other’s sites, patting each other on the back, blustering away.  A colleague dismissed them as “circle-jerkers”.  If the image isn’t clear I’ll have to explain it to you one day.  Basically, saddo’s who need to get outside more.

I remember walking past the ComSci lab back in Grahamstown during a power failure.  All these gecko skinned, goggle-eyed freaks sitting outside in silence unsure how to interact with real human beings waiting for the power supply to be restored so that they can go back inside and hide behind avatars and made up names like “behemoth-69″ and chat away in chat rooms quite comfortably.

Ok, we have an announcement here at work regarding a very cool camapaign that we have been asked to talk about.  Just checked and the site isn’t live yet so I’ll post about it as soon as it is.  The idea is to use social media networks like blogs and Facebook to spread a message.  I write about, 5 of you write about it, 5 people that each of you know write about it and so on. The message gets spread like wildfire through an online fynbos field with the south-easter blowing.

Ok, gotta go do some real work.  Hope you all well.  Hopefully see some of you in 3 more sleeps!