Hlala Phansi has moved

Hi, I decided to start out on a new blog with an easier to spell name, one that feeds the ugly narcissistic streak in me. I will continue to blog at craigharveyhallett.com.

See you there!

Abortion is green, try sodomy.

I love people who say it like it is.  Got sent this YouTube clip of Doug Stanhope’s take on environmental issues.  Limiting carbon emmissions, preventing chemical spills, recycling and saving water are all well and good but amount to nothing if we continue to breed at the rate we do.

Now my thoughts on breeders and breeding are no secret so it made me smile.  Favourite lines are:

“That glut of humanity you’re creating is the real problem. A woman who recycles at her optimum increases her carbon footprint 40 times by having 2 children. Your combined uterii wreak more havoc on the environment than a 1000 chemical accidents combined. Abortion is green, try sodomy.”

Football match vs Valentines Day

What happens when you and you and your mates want to go watch your team play on Valentine’s day?

Puma has an idea.

Enjoy!

What the bell’s going on?

You would not believe it but there was a “you are so awful how do you live withyourself” letter under my door last night. Although offensive curtians were not mentioned it did ask for eye or earwitnesses to noise offenders to come forward as people have been listening to loud music in their cars at ungodly hours.

Im with them on this one, however, paragraph three elicited a jaw dropping thud. Cat owners have been asked to remove bells from their cats as neighbours have complained about the noise it makes when they scuttle about the car park. A little jingle pales in comparison to foul odours and spurty geysers and parking lot Hip Hop DJing and sprinklers that water the tarmac and my windows at 2am making one think the mother of all rain showers has just hit.

Imagine the apoplectic hissy fit these neighbours must have in December when Rudolph and his mates land a frikkin sleigh on their roof. Boggles the mind. I can see their red, veing popping faces when Mr Jinks or Ginger dares to tinkle tinkle past their door.

We are saved!

Managing agents have responded.

Craig,

1. A structural engineer has been appointed to inspect and report on their findings within the complex

2. The maintenance department will send out someone to inspect the wall and see if there are any pipes running into it that shouldn’t be there

3. Shove a cloth into the outlet pipe if you are not using it.

Taryn

Guess that save on olive oil then.

The joys of living in a security complex

I am a huge fan of 27b/6 so when I got an email from my landlord advising me that the complex Managing Agents were threatening to fine him because my curtains were the incorrect colour and were offending the aesthetics of the complex I had to reply ala David Thorne.  Please see the exchange of emails that ensued.

Email from Managing Agents to my landlord

Dear Mark,

Please could you address the following with your tenant and/or rental
agent.

We have been instructed by the Trustees of the Body Corporate to advise
you that during a routine inspection of the complex on Tuesday, 2nd
February 2010 it was seen that you have the incorrect curtains in your
lounge.  This spoils the aesthetics of the complex and is in breach of
the conduct rules.  You are requested to have the correct curtains hung,
as per the conduct rules.

Please see section 2 of the conduct rules:

2.  DAMAGE ALTERATIONS OR ADDITIONS TO A SECTION AND TO THE COMMON
PROPERTY

2.5.  Owner or occupier of a section shall ensure:

2.5.2.  That all curtains are to be lined with a white or cream fabric.
All blinds are to have a white, cream, charcoal or wooden backing.

You will receive two (2) warnings this being your first and thereafter a
fine of R250.00 will be imposed.

Thank you for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

TARYN LEWIS
MANAGING AGENT: ASCOT GROVE BODY CORPORATE
BC:     THE CHAIRPERSON

Email from my landlord to me

Dear Craig

I trust that you are keeping well.

I am forwarding an email to you, which I received from the Managing
Agents today, for your attention.

It seems that your curtains need to be lined with a white or cream
fabric in terms of the Conduct Rules in order to maintain an acceptable
level of aesthetics in the complex.

As fines are a waste of money and in nobody’s best interest I trust that
you will do the necessary at your very earliest convenience.

Please advise Taryn as soon as you have attended to this matter and
copy me so that I know this has been attended to.

Kind Regards

Mark Wilson

Email from me to my landlord…and the Managing Agents

Hi Mark

Hope you are well.

Sorry you have been bothered by this.  I will attend to it.  Thanks for the heads up.

I was not aware of this rule but I daresay will we soon have another letter from the headmaster shoved under our door telling us what awful people we are.

As you may remember the curtains in the lounge are not even mine.  They were in the flat when I took it over and must have belonged to the previous tenant which means they have been there for over 2 years.

Perhaps on their inspection the Management Agents may finally have noticed the standing water inside the wall cavity in my bedroom as a result of one of the residents above me’s geyser spewing water and a lack of weep holes in the exterior wall.  Instead of palming me off with stories of poor ventilation.  I now wash my wall weekly with Jik water as instructed, to remove the black mould that grows there only to have it return due to the damp wall.

They may also have noticed the god awful sulphurous stench that floods my flat from the washing machine outlet pipe.  The recommendation on this occasion was no, not Jik water, but to pour a cup of olive oil down the pipe.  Would that be Virgin or Extra Virgin?

Anyway, once again sorry you had to be bothered with this.  I will see if my mum can sew a cream or white lining onto the curtains.  I am loathed to get new curtains completely as I had my lounge suite and cushions upholstered especially to match.

Thanks for letting me know.

Craig

Looking for a 2 bed flat with lock up garage on Pandora.

You know the dreams you have in the hours just before dawn, when you are at a slightly shallower level of sub consciousness. The dreams that are so good that you want to go back to sleep so you can pick up where you left off. The wonderful dreams that are ruined by a beeping alarm clock, a yelling parent or a full bladder. Well sitting in an empty cinema, with spilt popcorn all around, the credits rolling and some ridiculous buddy holly glasses on your face felt just like an interrupted dream. Leaving Pandora tonight and coming back to boring Earth has left me saddened and longing to return.

You always hear people saying “don’t believe the hype” but James Cameron’s Avatar is worthy of every second of quivering anticipation. Ten years in the making, this is a cinematic experience like no other and a glorious glimpse of entertainement in the future. I sat in the very front row and was giddy with in about 15 seconds as I had to keep looking from left to right and up and down to take it all in. Now I’ve never had a problem suspending my disbelief but on this occasion your disbelief is violently wrenched from you as you are thrust inside the world presented to you.

From the ultraviolet plants and faces of the Na’vi to the aerial ballet of the Ikran, you are swept along on an utter rollercoaster ride for almost 3 hours. The characters are complex, the cinematography breathtaking and the special effects superb. This is a complete masterpeice of a story too, with battles and action, friendship, love and acceptance of the Other, and a grisly death of the master villain.

Walking out of the cinema into the harsh glare of mall strip lighting there is only one thing to be done. Get out your credit card and book to see it again. And please don’t even dream of settling for the 2d option.

4 does certainly not go into 3

My mouth has always gotten me into trouble. Back chatting matrics in Std 6, sniggering at the big fat Dutchmen’s purple LA Gear’s in the Wheel shopping centre, laughing at the ridiculously short lady from down the road coz she sat on a cushion to drive. But they only ever ended in a black eye, a bloody lip or a severe hiding. When you suddenly start posting things online you discover the anonymity you thought you had isn’t so anonymous. Here’s the story.

Few weekends back we had an all you can eat buffet of sport to watch. Now not having a Sports Cafe or a Walkabout with multiple televisions makes sport gluttony a little more tricky. So the horny Malawian and I head to Mitchells at the Waterfront coz rumour has it they can show not one not two but three channels simultaneously. Here’s what we had.
London 7′s, IPL final, and a couple of meaningless football games.

It turns out a bunch of ex pats or misguided South Africans have set up little mini football supporters clubs at Mitchells. Now you have 4 different sports events and only 3 channels, something has to give. This would have been my order of priority. Correct me if I’m wrong.
1) London Rugby 7′s – Bokke are playing. Nuff said.
2) IPL Final – most prestige, SA has honour of hosting it and an Indian couple has just sat down, bought drinks and are eagerly awaiting the match.
3) Newcastle vs West Brom – Newcastle could have and eventually were relegated (air punch)
4) Chelsea vs Sunderland – completely meaningless. Chelsea could not win the premiershop and hopefully never will again. Sunderland could not be relegated.

So what gets bumped. You will not belive me if I told you. The flippin IPL final. I kid you not. Poor Indian couple were incensed but when faced with mindless and suspiciously inbred Chelsea fans their despair fell on frighteningly uneven, deaf ears. I would have spoken up but I could see that the London 7′s was enjoying a very fragile place on the TV in front of me and would have been sacrificed instead.

This is where it gets interesting. I’m still seething at work the next day and submit a post to Hello Peter, calling the Mitchells management out on the issue. Challenging their ridiculous prioritistion of sports events. Knowing full well I will never here anything and that they clearly will do anything to keep their regulars happy. However, in my rant I may have called all football fans yobbos. Which is kinda stupid seeing that I consider myself a football fan.

Weeks go by and I had completely forgotten about the post. Today I get a facebook message from the official SA Reds supporters club asking me nicely not to refer to football fans as yobbos. Can I just say to the very polite gentleman, as a United fan myself, the yobbos comment was directed solely at the Chelsea fans. There was no request to watch the United game against Hull on that weekend as, unlike Chelsea, United had already won the premiership.

To conclude, am i completely off base here? We are in South Africa, regardless of who visits that pub, it is a South African pub and must surely align its priorities accordingly. I don’t care if they call themselves a Scottish Ale House, my opinion is they did themselves a complete disservice that day.

And while I am ranting (again), the V&A Waterfront have now removed the last 2 areas of free parking. Such greed.

Stranger than Fiction

Don’t know if its the entire bottle of R25.99 Robertson Ruby Cabernet or guilty feelings about ignoring this blog but it must be updated. Actually it’s the fact that Stranger than Fiction is on TV and writing this is kinda like narrating one’s life. Speaking of which, if I had to choose a narrator for my life it would not be Emma Thompson. More likely, Richard Attenborough, and I would constantly be trying to mate something. And Maggie Gyllenhaal would have already been mated 8 minutes and 14 seconds into the movie.

So what’s worth writing about, reporting on. Work? It goes on, opened my big mouth at a meeting and actually got listened to, and now involved in my first marketing campaign. I have a new desk, by the window, get to look at my mountain all day, although the armageddon like storm that rode in on its horse today was particularly obscuring. Home? Flat is still empty, fridge is emptier, and the drain still smells of sewerage when the neighbour flushes. Friends? They’re cool, still all coupled up, dogs and kids, but awesome. Love life? It’s complicated. Which according to Facebook is in between single and in a relationship, so we’ll take that as progress. wait wait Maggie is about to get mated…..

Ok thats over.

So if I am the protagonist in my own life I want to say a few things to my narrator.

Please stop mentioning the salt and pepper temples, the squidgy midriff, the inappropriate comments made in moments of extreme awkwardness. I would really appreciate it if I could have rugged features, chisseled abs and a startling sense of humour. I would be eternally grateful if my love interest could have enormous blue eyes, a killer smile, a cute ass and a serious lack of baggage, and be totally and completely in love with me.

Besides that not much else to report. Hope you are well, long summer evenings are a thing of the past for a while, gotta get the scarves and gloves out soon. Sunburnt cocktails to be replaced with fireside glasses of Cab Sav and roast lunches. Went to a medical aid wellness day last week, only to get the thousands of loyalty points on offer. Good news is I’m not diabetic and I’m HIV negative. Bad news is cholestrol is off the chart, I’m a ticking time bomb. Cheese, red meat, alcohol..gotta go. In that case, Narrator?, you might as well write me out of the script now.

Stay well. Chat soon.

Talking to your market

Smokers have had to endure them for years.  Now its the turn of drinkers.  Health warnings.

I remember a story of male smokers specifically choosing the packs that said “Do not smoke if you are breastfeeding” coz they didnt think it could harm them.

So heres what you get as a stand up beer drinker.

 

And heres what you get as a “papsak” or “dooswyn” drinker.

Seriously? Because I happen to buy box wine I’m gonna stagger around Ysterplaat shouting obscenities at motorists. Actually thats exactly what I’m gonna do. Cheers!